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Collection (of thoughts, pains & loves)

By Kristina Cakova

“the butterfly”

soft red cheeks,

hiding behind beautiful chestnut hair.

she familiarised herself with harsh comments

and continuous resentment of her body.

as much as the girl wanted to enjoy little moments,

people frightened her.

the embarrassment and pain she was hiding,

should not be sensed by girls her age,

or any age.

society broke her,

just for her future self

to discover her wings.

to fly to the skies with her head held high.

but this time,

with her hair tucked

behind her ears,

to show the world

the mesmerising beauty she is.

“never enough”

she does everything she’s told,

just for others

to prove her wrong.

she’s the dream of all parents,

an enemy to the successful.

yet in her eyes,

she’s a fraction of what matters.

she covers her body in dark clothes,

to appear skinnier,

fit into those norms.

make-up covers the dark circles,

proof of wasted nights,

of calming down her thoughts.

they all shout at the same time:

“you will never be enough!”

starved to near death,

with straight A’s on the paper,

she never felt more tired,

less herself,

with no triumph to declare.

that’s when the calmness finally came,

no longer a need to endure pain,

she was at peace,

but in another world.

“good old friend”

yet another day

that feels like a perfect moment,

creeps in the good old friend,


she makes you experience moments

quite intensively strong,

only to later rob you of them all.

happiness and joy?

oh, she certainly favours those,

yet makes you think through

them twice more.

one day she’s high,

on the next, too low,

that’s when anxiety waits,

till you wave the joy goodbye,

to indulge the body,

in wholesome sorrow


one day

you’ll eat more,

the other a bit more less,

fighting the thoughts

of who’s the best.

is it the girl,

light as a feather,

with no signs of joy

in her empty eyes?

or rather a girl,

with belly full and content.

her face all smiles.

my head plays games with me

all the time,

just for my heart,

to show me,

there’s no reason to cry.


I love you all size.


cozy in the embrace

of my own arms,

I thought of the girl,

who used to hate us so much.

she would measure every inch,

weigh every pound,

just to appeal to the clowns,

ignoring the fact,

her bones started making

alarming sounds.


she covered the bones

with clothes loose enough,

thinking no one would notice,

how deep we felt unloved.

“the day he left”

cold January night,

the snow not falling

yet everything covered in white blanket.

that was the day you told me you chose her.

years of ups and downs

did not stop me from fighting

but your single choice of words

made me stop at once.

in the break of a moment,

I have realised

you gave up on us.

with a fake smile and broken heart in my hands,

I was standing in front of you,

watching you stump on the future we could have had.

could have had.

but never will.

I wonder how many more years

it will take

for my stomach not to sink

at the sound of your name.

I wonder how much more pretence it will take,

not to look your way

when I see you embracing her body,

living a life I could never give you.


it pains me to think

that might be the reason

why you chose her:

the life she offers you.

“dark haired boy”

dark haired boy,

with the eyes of ocean,

bringing me back to the shore,

choking on the salty water

with no air to breathe.

that’s what looking at him feels like.

the power his eye gaze has over me,

the power his smile holds.

it scares me to the bones.

a girl so independent and strong,

swayed by a boy whose intentions

are unknown.

his touch sending chills all over my body,

from head to toes, from chest to back.

was it all a lie?

was it all pretence?

“something wrong with me”

the dates they go on,

telling me all about

how fun and loving they are.

I wish I could say the same.

fear creeps in with a thought,

to go out,

to share my time with someone

I know nothing about.

intimidation is what I feel,

stomach turning upside down,

with the possibility,

of having to listen to someone

who’s not you.

someone who doesn’t make it as easy,

just looking,

no words needed,

reading my mind in the most gentle way,

as you used to.

“have it all”

is it possible,

that after all,

we really can’t have it all?

career, passion and love?

I always thought

they go hand in hand.

in that way,

it makes sense.

things don’t have to be perfect,

let alone logical.

the heart won’t explain,

why it yearns for someone,

despite the brain telling otherwise.

because it always ends up being love,

without any further explanation,

just love.

“the crossroads”

one day you say yes,

the other a quick no.

is it your heart

speaking from it all?

your brain comes for the rescue,

when the heart decides to take risks.

only for you,

to confuse us both.

“the toxic friend”

they treat you as an equal,

act as if they care,

yet still you find

there’s no genuine reason behind.

is it a hunch telling you

to stay away?

body screaming

“there are red flags ahead!”

though there’s no courage

to step away.

their heart might be warm,

maybe their reasons even true,

that does not mean,

together you are destined to bloom.

“the night fall”

when the night has fallen

upon the city,

and their souls finally found peace,

still there was mine,

rowing in the darkness

under the light of the stars.

there wasn’t much serenity in my mind.

in an effort to soothe the storm,

I wished for clarity,

begged my senses to ease the pain.

yet again,

no answer from my brain.

with impatience boiling through my veins,

leaving the body uneasy,

the rest still out of sight.

I called “enough!”

“love is love”

for love

we die,

for love

we kill.

is one type of love

different from the other?

what makes one love

appreciated, praised

yet the other loathed,


“big hearts”

it’s not always so pink,

black and white,

or any other colour you prefer.

life happens simultaneously,

with happiness, joy,

but also hardship and pain.

one can escort the other,

though sometimes they might

visit alone.

it can be hard to feel both,

to still carry on with life

when there’s a hole in your heart,

and cloud above your mind.

but to choose to feel it all,

to open your palms,

accept your share,

is to feel alive.

big hearts love the most,

and, inevitably, cry the most.


another rotation around the sun,

that’s what the number means,

yet with age and more wisdom,

different emotions creep in this year.

she closed some chapters,

opened new ones to enter,

no longer looking for perfection.

“the only wish,

to endure endless happiness and health”

she asked for this year.

calmness swept her feet,

bringing peace into her home,

you’re fine child,

23 is here to make you glow.


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