I have lost my ability to express myself in writing because of various circumstances. I do not have the words by my side anymore. I tried to find solutions… and here is one of them. I will let a story talk for me this time. Let's hope that I will be able to give it enough life.
I look at my grandparents and see how love is developed over time. I know I am lucky that I managed to see that, and that I had a chance to admire them and to have a relationship with them. I look and see how deeply they take care of each other. Time is their only fear because they know that they are short of it. They’ve never stopped working one day in their life, but that never stopped them from falling in love over again. Here my story is going to be split into two.
My grandparents from my father's side are special in their own way. They have their garden and they will never stop to make it perfect, or at least try to make it perfect. They are waiting for me to come and visit, hug them and smile, laugh and explain to them how my day was. When I was little I used to help them and play there and run around everywhere. When I got a bit older, I did not understand why their love was not like in movies. Why are they not holding hands, why do they not say “I love you” to each other? Because they did not have to. My grandpa used to have tears in his eyes when my grandma was a little sick or if she was in pain because of muscle ache or anything specific to her age. He had tears in his eyes because he could not take her pain away. My grandma is the one that never shows/shares her feelings of concern, she keeps them to herself. She pays attention to the details. She always cooked the food that my grandpa likes for example. One time, he tried to do it himself, but it was a mess in the end. She always waited for the end of the day to stay inside with him, drink a glass of wine and talk about everything that crossed their minds. They used to always have a plan for the next day. Now they talk only in my grandma's dreams. Because he is no longer with us for 5 years now. I remember that on the day of the funeral it rained. In my culture, if it rains, it means that the spirit wants to stay in this world longer. My grandma suffered a lot, she still does. One time I asked her if he visited her in her dreams. She said: “Yes”. That is the reason I stopped crying. We can still have our talks at the end of the day. I wish I had more time to… waste with him. But I can still feel his love, and that love is what protected me for so long. I got over that heart attack because he took care of me in some way. My mission now is to love you and your cousin for the both of us for as long as I can in this world, and he has a lot of love to give you alone.”
My other grandparents, the ones from my mother's side have so much love to share with everyone. They wake up in the morning and drink their coffee together. They talk a lot and afterwards, my grandpa leaves the house and he comes back in the evening. They eat their dinner together and talk again. My grandma is taking care of the papers (for their little construction firm) and the garden during the day. When I go and visit them I always see the way they look at each other and joke with each other. I always hear “You know how much I love you, right?” every time my grandpa makes a mistake. When he is talking about her, you can see how proud he is that he has her by his side. “I never knew what luck was until I met her”. My grandma is strong, she can take any hit/tackle anything as long as they are together. The only time I heard her say “I need a few moments to be myself again" was when my grandpa was in the hospital. That was the only time. In that second I understood what true love is. I asked her what she wished for. She told me “I want more and more time with your grandpa. I know it's selfish, but I have everything I need, except that. I want more time with him and spend our moments travelling, being happy that we have this family. I want to always drink our coffee or whiskey together. Everybody has a watch, but it doesn't have a second to spare when it comes to the moments that really matter, like being happy that the person you love in your life is right next to you. I always do that in the morning, stealing some second to look at him and smile that we managed to get where we are today. I know he loves to work and I want to see him happy.”
My words are meaningless to describe them. I am struggling to put my mind at work and make this story special. I want to seal their love in these words in order to make sure that it will live on forever, or how long that forever wants to be. Love comes in different forms: honesty, a flower, a smile, a look, a second, a minute, an hour, a choice. I know so little about love. I feel like an impostor writing about it. But I am writing it to you. I do not feel like an impostor loving you.
There is a constant fear that I have… the fear of losing you. I am not the type of person who says "Stop, don't go”, but I know that for you I would do that. Sometimes I feel that there is not much that I can teach you. I try to describe human interactions in the best way I can, maybe we can understand them better together. Love is something similar to… remembering the small details that make the other person happy, being open to a hug no matter the circumstances, being in a race against the clock to steal more and more seconds, calling in the morning and seeing if they woke up and everything else that can bring a smile.
Love is a balance between abstract and concrete. And every human has a different balance point. Some may need more abstract than concrete, some are the other way around. There is no exact formula. Why and how it happens cannot be described. But I want to offer you the love that you will never forget. I learn fast. Like my grandparents, I want to find with you the love that suits us, the love that makes us happy and the love that we want to share. I do not know how much time we have, but I want more for sure. I want to admire you more, I want to feel your love more, I want to be present in your life for as long as you want me to and more. I have my faults… a lot of them. And sometimes I feel like I am taking more from you than I give you. This can be the end. I make mistake after mistake. I want to be better, but who knows if I will be better fast enough not to lose you? I was told that I am not capable of loving, that I will spend my life as an invalid when it comes to emotions, but here I am, surprising myself, loving you.
I do not know what the future holds. But if the sky decides to fall over us, I know for sure that I will hold you in my arms till the end. We have the power to create a world that only we know how to live in. If the time takes us where it knows, I won’t feel sorry for myself. I will be glad that … (I wanted to say “that I fell in love with you”, but we know that.. It is a lie)… I will still have the best time falling in love with you continuously, no matter the distance. I hate clichés and I feel like this letter is one. I want to apologise in advance.
I tried to tell you a story… maybe ours, but I will never get to the end of it because I will be stuck in my absurd ambition of trying to explain what is happening. I can go in-depth about my emotions, maybe not competent enough to explain them with words, but with gestures. I want to go more in-depth about your emotions. I want to get to know them deeper. I respect the amount that you want to keep for yourself, and I will not get inside that world without permission. What is it like for you to feel? For me, it is like finally being alive.
I am patiently waiting to see how time will treat us. By then, I will live in the moment and enjoy every smile that you have to offer, every look that I can admire, every touch that is making me nervous, enjoy being next to you.
Till Forever Falls Apart and afterwards,
You know who
by Flavia-Ioana Tofan
